It’s OK To Be Mad: Anger Management Strategies for Kids
At every stage of their life and development, parents and caregivers are here to help our kids to recognize, work through and regulate their big feelings. One of the trickiest is anger, particularly if your kiddo loses control and starts hurting themselves or others, or destroying things around them.
While anger is a useful emotion – telling us when things aren’t right or are unfair, it can become a problem is the child’s behaviour is aggressive or out of control. Here are a few strategies (and resources) that can help you navigate an anger meltdown.
At every stage of their life and development, parents and caregivers are here to help our kids to recognize, work through and regulate their big feelings. One of the trickiest is anger, particularly if your kiddo loses control and starts hurting themselves or others, or destroying things around them. While anger is a useful emotion – telling us when things aren’t right or are unfair, it can become a problem is the child’s behaviour is aggressive or out of control. Here are a few strategies (and resources) that can help you navigate an anger meltdown.
Remember That It’s Ok To Be Mad
You can tell your child that everyone gets angry and frustrated sometimes – it’s a normal feeling. It’s what we do with our anger that matters. While it’s ok to be angry, it’s not ok to hurt others, hurt ourselves, or destroy property.
Stay Calm and Present
Try to keep yourself calm – take some deep breaths. If you get angry or frustrated too, it won’t help your kiddo to get out of this emotion. When a child is having a big emotion, their brain is in fight, flight or freeze mode and they won’t be able to be reasoned out of their anger. Just get them through the moment. Speak to them calmly and quietly and repeat a short and simple phrase like:
“I’m here for you”
“Let me know when you’re ready”
“I love you”
“I want to help”
“I can see you’re angry”
Make sure they are safe
If your child is reacting to their feelings by breaking things or hurting themselves, get them to a safe space. It can be helpful to have a “calm down” space in your home where there aren’t any objects that could hurt them. Maybe this is their room, or an outdoor space.
Plan for the Future
Once the meltdown has passed (and it will), you can start to work on some coping skills together to lessen or prevent these kinds of outbursts in the future. The trick is practicing when they are in a calm and relaxed mood, not in the moment when they are angry.
Identify triggers
Help your child to identify if there are common triggers for their anger – is it a person? A subject in school? Are there noises or locations that are overwhelming for them? Do they react to other people being angry or out of control around them? You aren’t necessarily trying to avoid or remove these triggers, but help your child to recognize them.
Spot the signs
Help your child to identify how their body feels when they get mad. Maybe they start to feel hot, or their head gets buzzy. Maybe their heart beats faster or they start to clench their hands or teeth. As they learn the signs of their anger, they might be able to recognize it before they explode and use some other coping mechanisms that you will teach them.
Coping Skills to Try
It can be helpful to sit down with your kiddo and talk about different things they think they could try when they start to feel angry. Make a list, ask them what they think might work, and what they think definitely won’t. Involving them and having them help to make decisions helps them to feel more in control and increases your chance of success. Here’s a few examples:
· Walk away from the situation
· Listen to music
· Go outside and play
· Do 50 jumping jacks
· Count to 100
· Squeeze a ball
· Take 20 deep breaths
· Push against a wall
· Write down what’s bothering you
· Squish some playdough
· Talk to someone
· Practice a hobby
· Pop bubble wrap
Seek Help If You Need It
If you are concerned that your child’s anger is dangerous to them or others, or even if you need some help to support them (or you!) through this – don’t be embarrassed to ask for help. Talk to their physician, an Elder in your community, or reach out to the KL Wellness team.
Read a book together
There are lots of great books at your local library that deal with feelings and coping strategies for anger. Try reading a few of these together:
The Angry Dragon by Michael Gordon (Pre-K to Gr. 1)
Crankenstein by Samantha Berger (Pre-K to Gr. 2)
A Little Spot of Anger by Diane Alber (Pre-K to Gr.2)
The Boy With Big Big Feelings by Britney Winn Lee (Pre-K to Gr.2)
Hello Anger by Jessica Sinarski (Gr. 2-4)
Chillax!: How Ernie Learns to Chill Out, Relax, and Take Charge of His Anger by Marcella Marino Craver (graphic novel for pre-teens)